## Centrelink Related Stories and Jokes

I have searched (and will continue to search) the internet a bit and found a few jokes. Here is what I have already. To go directly to the web-site where the story/joke was obtained click on the link in the title. If you have any other you think would be suitable please feel free to send them in. There is an attachment button on the Contact Form that you can use to add any files you want to send to me.http://reasonsyouwillhateme.com/friday-q-and-a-86

Q) What's black and white and gets you pissed?

A) An SU19

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=59335

Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

http://www.sickipedia.org/tag/centrelink

A Kiwi walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder.

The barman says "Bugger me mate, that's a fancy looking thing.Where'd you get that?"

The parrot replied, "Down at Centrelink mate there's hundreds of the bastards!"

Joke by immortalshadow666,

Crap Joke Tuesday 33

Tuesday, 8th January 2008 at 3:01 PM

Posted by Andy B in Crap Joke Tuesday

After retiring, this old bastard went to the Centrelink Office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked for his driver license to verify his age. After looking in his pockets, he realized he had left his wallet at home. The old bastard told the woman that he was very sorry, and that he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opened his shirt revealing a bush of curly silver hair. She said “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his application.

When the old bastard got home, he excitedly told his wife about the experience at the Centrelink Office

She said, “You should have dropped your pants… you might have gotten disability, too.”

http://au.messages.yahoo.com/sports/afl-discussion/22893/

This joke has also been about other towns (a Moe girl etc.).

A Collingwood girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the assessor.

"Ten" replies the Collingwood girl,

"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Collingwood girl.

"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout NATHAN,

YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Collingwood girl... "I just use their surnames"

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/archive/index.php/t-201227-p-3.html

I was a bit unsure whether to put this joke in. However since it doesn't just pick on one race in particular I decided to let it through. If you have any complaints send them in.

BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL CITY OF BANKSTOWN

MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME ........................................

GANG.........................................

Time allowed 1 hour

1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on Stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how may razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00 pm?

3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl, then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in WileyPark?

4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it.?

5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink, also works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week, and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many English letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair, and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

11. If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1% per month, at what rate are the Skippies leaving?

BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL CITY OF BANKSTOWN MATHEMATICS EXAM Version 2

From: david.springthorpe#NoSpam.REMOVEidx.com.au (David Springthorpe)

Something to offend nearly every ethnic group :

BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL

CITY OF BANKSTOWN

MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME ............................

GANG ............................

Time allowed 1 hour

If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47? Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many ounces of cut will he need?

Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00 for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW's and three Falcons, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?

If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2 mm per day)

Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?

If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times per hour in Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word "mate" in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000?

If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

If Ahmed uses 1 kg of "bog" to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if Hardware House is selling them for $9.00 each and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?

Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,00.00 for the hit. His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:

2 feet away .....%

5 feet away .....% 100 feet away .....%

If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62 c a sheet and she normally uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?

Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?

If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?

If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC exam to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 metre apart from Julie?

D.S.